From the gloriously titled “The Tyke and Poacher Times,” the Yorkshire and Lincolnshire newsletter of the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP). It reads as if I have read it before but none the less quite enjoyable for that.

Dear Sir,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, received a cheque for £3000 from the government for not rearing pigs. I now wish to go into the ‘not rearing pigs business.’

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all Government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven’t reared. Are there any Government Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1422 in 1968, until this year when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6000 for not rearing 100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. Then I can afford to buy an aeroplane.

Another point. These pigs I plan not to rear will not eat 2000 tons of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don’t rear?

I am also considering the not milking cows business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the Government information on set-aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual-reality fields?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course vote for you at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,

Anon